Thursday, November 25, 2010


So as all of you know, Eugene woke up to some snow on tuesday morning. Before Sean even left for work, we were enjoying the beautiful view from our back patio. Seeing the church building covered in snow was extraordinary... It was exciting for me, because I knew how much Tara would love it. The last (and only) time she saw snow was when she was 5 months old, and we spent christmas in Idaho with Sean's family. She was too young to remember, so I began planning a snow day for her. As soon as Tara woke up, I took her to a window to show her the snow. She actually said "wow" when she saw it! She couldn't get enough of it, and kept wanting to look out the window the rest of the day. I left her bedroom door open the rest of the day, because she kept running into her room, climbing up on her chair near the window, and just staring outside :) It was the cutest thing ever! She'd come out momentarily, just to run back into her room. I was dying to take her out in it, but I was busy making and frosting some brownies that I was going to be running over to both Brittany, and Heidi's homes. They both live just around the corner, and I was going to make it a quick trip. So once I was done making the brownies, I bundled Tara up; and we headed out. All morning long, I had been trying to teach her what the white stuff coming from the sky was called. I kept saying the word snow, and she must have caught on quicker than I realized! As we were heading down towards Brittany's, Tara kept pointing at the snow-covered cars and bushes, and saying "Snow!" Given, half the time it came out sounding like "Shnow". It was still adorable. She would get SO excited about it, and kept pointing to whatever was covered in it and exclaim "snow!!!" every time...Cute girl :) What a wonderful experience for her to have, and I'm looking forward to when we have maybe a few more inches for her to play in...Can anyone say snow angel?

Baby In The Oven

Nope, it's not what you think-I'm not pregnant. What I'm referring to is the fact that Tara thinks that there's a baby that lives in our oven...Let me explain:

Starting about a month or so ago, we noticed she would walk up to the glass window of the oven, and start jabbering away. She'd tell her little stories like she does, and then start laughing really hard. She acted as if she was telling the story to mommy or daddy! Then we noticed she would start making these little faces at "the baby in the oven", and then bust up laughing because the baby was copying her :) Then she would start trying to share her binky with the baby, which I thought was sweet. She's always tried to share her binky with her friends, and people she loves. So I thought it was adorable when I'd see her little outstretched hand, offering the binky to this very entertaining baby :)

What a goof...

Oh, another cute little thing I wanted to add-now whenever we go somewhere, whether it's an action packed trip to Wal Mart, or just a stroll down the street; upon returning home, she zooms straight over to the oven to tell her friend (in the oven) all about it! It's the first place she goes, and Sean and I will stand and watch her while she tells her little stories, narrating the day, complete with hand gestures and everything! I love that little girl...

Thursday, November 18, 2010


I was checking my email this afternoon, and came across an update about a blog I read. The author was incredibly candid about her frailties as a human, and was saying she felt like a fraud. As I read, I thought to myself "if this is considered fraud, every human should be arrested!" She's just a real mom, a professional, business owner, and NORMAL. Then I started to wonder how many women feel like frauds. I began to think to myself of how I feel like one every day, I started to question if my struggles are really so unique-or if they're the struggles of lots of women?

I'm not a business owner-but I think I want to be. Truth is, I'm 27 and still don't know what I want to do when I grow up. I have a lot of talents, but I also have a lot of fears about going back to school, because I don't think I'm smart enough to be successful at it. Most days I struggle with some dark thoughts because of it. I sometimes wonder if my husband would be happier with someone who also happens to have the same love of history, or something like that...

I'm also a mom, and I spend the majority of each day beating myself up because I don't think I'm a good one. I lose my patience more often than I want to, and never get over it when I do. There's sticky handprints all over our patio door because we have a toddler. Truth be told, I hate cleaning them up, and would rather leave them there because my daughter's hands won't be that tiny forever...

I love to cook, and enjoy it when it's a choice; but hate the pressure of knowing I have to cook because my family needs to eat. Most days I don't have the energy for meal planning, but do it anyway. I want to be one of those mom's who puts their heart and soul into lovingly preparing meals for their family, but I'm just not there yet.

I love the beauty of the outdoors, and have always felt renewed by spending some real time in the beauty that God has created for us. Yet most days it's harder than I thought it would be to take my daughter for a walk around the neighborhood. The times I do, we love it so much and are sad when it's over.

I'm approaching 30, have a little girl of my own; and so often miss Girl's Camp so much I could cry. I think it's because I felt SO incredibly close to my Heavenly Father at that time...I've become so lost in the day to day, that most days I forget who I am. I feel like just a wife. Just a mom. Just a dishwasher. I feel like I blend into the day to day activities, and my spirit gets washed down the drain along with the scraps of peanut butter sandwich and banana from lunch that my daughter never finished.

Most evenings after the baby goes to sleep, and the kitchen's cleaned; I wonder how much longer I can go before the scream gets loud enough for everyone else to hear.

I feel like who I used to be is still inside me, and she's screaming to get out and see daylight again.

She's the one who knew who she was, and where she belonged.

She's the one who had no fear, and went for what she wanted.

She's the one who had battled her entire life to be heard, and finally

She's the one who had accepted her body, and loved what it could do.

She's the one who wanted to be in the spotlight, and had too many dreams
to count; and not enough time to accomplish them.

She's the one who thought she could change the world.

She's the one who never once doubted that she was a daughter of God, and
felt the power of that every moment of the day.

She's the one who never forgot how amazing a bubble bath could feel.

She's the one who thought she would compile her life experiences, and
publish at least a dozen books; and that those books would be sitting
on the shelves of everyone who's anyone.

She's the one who lived, and laughed without holding back.

She's the one who had more faith and conviction, than doubts and fears.

She's the one I liked more, and she's still in there. I just need to allow the dishes to wait sometimes, so that I can stop and make time for her. My daughter deserves to know her...My husband has been longing for her. And quite frankly-she was always better at dealing with days like today...

So I suppose I want to just admit something-I'm a real girl. I'm not perfect, nor do I want to be. Being perfect takes too much time away from the important things in life, like remembering who you really are. So right now, I begin my mission for being truly authentic. Sticky fingerprints included :)

I think they're worth it.

Saturday, November 13, 2010


So this morning was, well...quite nice. Got to sleep in until around 7:40 (ish), which was nice. Then at 8:00 while Sean was off playing football with some of the guys from the ward, I got to take a shower while Tara watched a cartoon. Then I promptly got to work on the second loaf of banana bread for Brittany's baby shower today. I baked the first one at 1:00 this morning, but got too tired to bake the second. So the delicious smell of banana bread was wafting through the house this morning, and it smelled AMAZING. I love the smell of banana bread in the fall, it seems that the colors outside demand the smell of banana bread in every it just me? They go hand in hand...Along with a mug of apple cider :) Mmm. Our house is so homey on mornings like this!

Thursday, November 11, 2010

What a heavenly day...

The day Tara and I had today might seem like any ordinary day to a lot of you moms out there...but to me, it's felt perfect. I had spent the better part of last evening cleaning, so waking up to a freshly scrubbed house was SO nice :) First thing this morning after seeing Sean off to work, I was able to get my shower before the baby woke up. Yay for mommy! Then, I got to work finishing what I had grown too sleepy to finish last night. Namely, vacuuming and cleaning baseboards. Yay, checked off the list. Then, Tara woke up and "helped" me finish cleaning in her own way. That pretty much meant getting into everything she could because mom was too busy vacuuming :) Then I felt like it was an oatmeal morning, so Tara helped me cook some. She helped pour in the oats, and felt like such a big girl while she helped stir the pot. While mom finished cooking, she kept running up behind me and grabbing my leg for kisses. I swear, there's nothing better than looking down at her beautiful upturned face with a big grin ready for mommy to plant a kiss on those sweet lips...After breakfast, we watched an episode of Calliou, and then read almost every book she could get her little hands on! I pulled out a new book we had picked up for her, and she just loved reading it! So many pretty colors, and pictures, such a sensory experience for her :) Then we got a call from my cousin Heidi, who wanted us to meet her at the playground down the street. So Tara played while mommy did her makeup, and we took off for the park. We got to meet Heidi's new baby Carter for the first time (boy, is he a cute one!) Tara spent the next hour or so playing with cousins Jack and Logan, and she actually climbed all over the play structure for the first time! This was a big deal for me, because up until now, she would only want to eat woodchips and watch the big kids. Today though, she was watching her cousins climbing past her; and going down the slide. She got upset, because she couldn't climb the structure the same way they could! lol So with some help from mom, she made it to the top. She went down that slide over and over and over again! Amidst all the playing, she called out to Logan by name!!! Heidi and I both heard her call out "Logan!", and I started smiling. Big mommy moment...Then we walked home for lunch, and along the way she wanted to stop and pick every single flower growing in the field between Heidi's house and ours. So we had quite the bouquet by the time we walked through the door! After half a peanut butter sandwich and half a banana, she was ready for her nap. So we read a few more books, and off to lala land went baby girl. Mom then had a break to have lunch herself, and just relax before starting in on three loads of laundry, and dishes. But what a beautiful morning it was...

Fast forward to right now, she's just spent the last couple minutes scooping up my favorite (and baby's favorite) plum-colored chenille throw blanket, and pulled it; along with herself onto the couch next to me. She promptly arranged the blanket over her legs "just so" and then pulled it over her head and laughed in delight...Her laugh is the most beautiful sound in the world. I get to hear it all the time! I can't believe how lucky I am...

Life is amazing.