I was checking my email this afternoon, and came across an update about a blog I read. The author was incredibly candid about her frailties as a human, and was saying she felt like a fraud. As I read, I thought to myself "if this is considered fraud, every human should be arrested!" She's just a real mom, a professional, business owner, and NORMAL. Then I started to wonder how many women feel like frauds. I began to think to myself of how I feel like one every day, I started to question if my struggles are really so unique-or if they're the struggles of lots of women?
I'm not a business owner-but I think I want to be. Truth is, I'm 27 and still don't know what I want to do when I grow up. I have a lot of talents, but I also have a lot of fears about going back to school, because I don't think I'm smart enough to be successful at it. Most days I struggle with some dark thoughts because of it. I sometimes wonder if my husband would be happier with someone who also happens to have the same love of history, or something like that...
I'm also a mom, and I spend the majority of each day beating myself up because I don't think I'm a good one. I lose my patience more often than I want to, and never get over it when I do. There's sticky handprints all over our patio door because we have a toddler. Truth be told, I hate cleaning them up, and would rather leave them there because my daughter's hands won't be that tiny forever...
I love to cook, and enjoy it when it's a choice; but hate the pressure of knowing I have to cook because my family needs to eat. Most days I don't have the energy for meal planning, but do it anyway. I want to be one of those mom's who puts their heart and soul into lovingly preparing meals for their family, but I'm just not there yet.
I love the beauty of the outdoors, and have always felt renewed by spending some real time in the beauty that God has created for us. Yet most days it's harder than I thought it would be to take my daughter for a walk around the neighborhood. The times I do, we love it so much and are sad when it's over.
I'm approaching 30, have a little girl of my own; and so often miss Girl's Camp so much I could cry. I think it's because I felt SO incredibly close to my Heavenly Father at that time...I've become so lost in the day to day, that most days I forget who I am. I feel like just a wife. Just a mom. Just a dishwasher. I feel like I blend into the day to day activities, and my spirit gets washed down the drain along with the scraps of peanut butter sandwich and banana from lunch that my daughter never finished.
Most evenings after the baby goes to sleep, and the kitchen's cleaned; I wonder how much longer I can go before the scream gets loud enough for everyone else to hear.
I feel like who I used to be is still inside me, and she's screaming to get out and see daylight again.
She's the one who knew who she was, and where she belonged.
She's the one who had no fear, and went for what she wanted.
She's the one who had battled her entire life to be heard, and finally
She's the one who had accepted her body, and loved what it could do.
She's the one who wanted to be in the spotlight, and had too many dreams
to count; and not enough time to accomplish them.
She's the one who thought she could change the world.
She's the one who never once doubted that she was a daughter of God, and
felt the power of that every moment of the day.
She's the one who never forgot how amazing a bubble bath could feel.
She's the one who thought she would compile her life experiences, and
publish at least a dozen books; and that those books would be sitting
on the shelves of everyone who's anyone.
She's the one who lived, and laughed without holding back.
She's the one who had more faith and conviction, than doubts and fears.
She's the one I liked more, and she's still in there. I just need to allow the dishes to wait sometimes, so that I can stop and make time for her. My daughter deserves to know her...My husband has been longing for her. And quite frankly-she was always better at dealing with days like today...
So I suppose I want to just admit something-I'm a real girl. I'm not perfect, nor do I want to be. Being perfect takes too much time away from the important things in life, like remembering who you really are. So right now, I begin my mission for being truly authentic. Sticky fingerprints included :)
I think they're worth it.